


Marking Time

by L_C



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Continuum tag, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-08
Updated: 2014-03-08
Packaged: 2018-01-13 19:48:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1238710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/L_C/pseuds/L_C
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Daniel's journal entries during Continuum's missing year.<br/>The time stamps at the beginning of each entry indicate how much time as passed since Ba'al changed the timeline.<br/>I consider this piece still a WIP. I will get back to doing those last 3-4 entries soon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Marking Time

**+4 days.** There’s a box of pristine, unused journals in the closet in my study. But I’m not there, so this cheap school notebook will suffice…I don’t want these scribbles to exist for more than a few months anyway. What I want is for Ba’al to show up tomorrow, making this my only entry; on the other hand though with my leg still healing I’d be less than useful right now. My very first journal was a present from my mother on my 8th birthday. It was just like the ones I watched her and Dad make entries in every day. I really didn’t know what to put it in at first. I screwed around in it the first few months, drew some pictures, made a few half-assed notes about a dig site Dad was working. Took it with me to New York City to record that big adventure. It was the only way I coped in the months following the accident. Maybe this one will help keep me together too.

**+1 week.**  Tired today. I’m not sleeping well. Leg is bothering me. I now understand the concept of ‘phantom pain’. I can’t shake the sensation of feeling my leg slowly deaden while I was on that ice floe, not to mention the sporadic shooting pains through my left thigh. Coping with it makes my whole body ache. I may have also spent too much time on my crutches today. Found a supermarket fairly close by though that will deliver my groceries once I’ve bought them. Trying to be thankful for small mercies. Hoping the ‘good’ drugs prescribed by the doctor the Air Force has supplied will relieve the pain so I can sleep. Will have to be careful though, they can be addicting. It would be so easy to cope with this nightmare like that, but I can’t let that happen…there’s too much at stake.

**+10 days.**  Feeling physically better today. Was feeling dragged out because of a low-grade infection in my leg. Antibiotics are clearing it up. Hope to start physio when it’s cleared and then get fitted with prosthetic soon after that. Frame of mind not so good. I feel like I’ve been sleeping too long. I’ve had enough of this nightmare. I want to wake up. I’ve never had a problem with my own company. I need a certain amount of solitude and quiet. This forced solitude though is going to make me nuts. I’m spending a lot of time sitting in Central Park watching people and reading. Starting to wonder just how far beyond my usual choice of reading material I’ll have to go to get through this. Who knows I may even end up reading some of the trashy romance stuff that’s been known to appear in my office. It’s been nice to discover that Central Park is easy for me to get to. Small mercies again. Being there almost feels like being at Jack’s cabin.  God.  Jack. NO. Can’t go there. Thinking about him. Or…the others will definitely make me nuts. Wish I knew where Sam and Mitchell ended up. We barely had time after we landed to say goodbye before they split us up. Probably thought we had some sort of advanced technology that would allow us to communicate by some mysterious means. What I wouldn’t give for the Asgard beaming technology right now.

**+21 days**.   Appointment with Dr. Taylor today. Now that the infection has cleared I can start physio. Hope to be getting fitted for prosthetic in a couple of weeks. Looking forward to ditching the crutches. My armpits have calluses. Dr. Taylor has a new receptionist. Bright, bubbly brunette. She sounds like Vala.

**+25 days.**   First physio today. Feel like crap. Taking drugs. Going to bed. Hope I can sleep.

**+1 month.**  Saw Dr. Taylor today. He’s pleased with how quickly I’ve finished healing once the infection was cleared up. Has made a referral appointment for me to have a first fitting for a prosthetic next week. Was leaving Dr. Taylor’s office just as his receptionist was leaving for lunch. I’m getting bold in my old age; asked her to have lunch with me. I’m pathetic. Her name is Andrea. Thankfully. I don’t think I could handle the notion that the universe is laughing at me if her name had been anything like Valerie. Also, thankfully for my sanity, she’s married. They don’t actually look alike. Andrea’s eyes are dark brown. I just wanted to hear her talk. Yup. Pathetic.

**+1 month, 6 days.**    First fitting for prosthetic was today. I keep hoping this is some weird drug induced nightmare or alien virus and any moment I’m going to wake up in the SGC infirmary. Still I guess it’s better than dying on that ice floe. Death would’ve been permanent for me this time. Oma is embroiled with Anubis for the rest of eternity and I doubt there’s anyone amongst the ‘others’ who would’ve wanted me to ascend again. So I endure, like the good little soldier I’ve been taught to be, knowing this will have an end. Next month would be good…after I’ve got the prosthetic in place and I’m mobile again. Physio has been better. I think the problem has been that it’s over a month since my last full workout at the SGC. Only using certain muscles to be mobile has left other muscles to stiffen up. I finally feel like I’m getting all the kinks out caused by being confined to crutches.

**+1 month, 20 days.**   The summer will be over soon. I noticed yesterday the leaves on trees in the Park are changing colours. Took a cross-town bus today to the New York State University library. Spent the afternoon there. Very restful. Almost felt like home. Had dinner at a North African place a few blocks from here that Andrea recommended. That almost felt like home too. Start physio with the prosthetic tomorrow. Hope I sleep well tonight.

**+2 months, 2 days.   I CAN’T FUCKING DO THIS!!** I want my life back.

**+2 months, 4 days.**  I am in so much pain. The only thing that doesn’t hurt is my hand holding this pen. Beginning to wonder if it wouldn’t have been better to die on that ice floe. At least I wouldn’t be living alone in this farce.

**+2 months, 8 days.**  Saw Dr. Taylor today. He was concerned with the bruising on the stump, but was sure it was because I was pushing myself. He told me to go easy. I can’t explain why I can’t. Being fully mobile again is the only thing that matters now. He’s given me another round of the ‘good’ drugs. Probably equivalent of Percocet or Vicodin. I have to be careful. I’ve taken a fair number of them in the last few days since I started using the prosthetic. I can see how easy it would be to become addicted. They make me dream too. Vividly. I can’t handle waking up from anymore dreams so real they feel like home, only to find myself still trapped here. I have to find some other way to cope with the pain. Wonder how deep a state of kel-no-rim I can achieve without Teal’c’s guidance. Had coffee with Andrea. That brilliant smile makes me smile…and makes me want what I wouldn’t dare let myself ask for at home. I’m an idiot.

**+2 months, 20 days.**  Last weekly appointment with Dr. Taylor today. Andrea literally beamed at me when I walked into the office with just the cane and a minimum of wincing. Dr. Taylor was pleased as well. The bruising is almost gone, but he’s still concerned about me overdoing it. I’m satisfied as well. At least now I feel that I won’t be completely useless to Sam and Mitchell when the time comes. I wish I could tell them. Took the opportunity to have lunch with Andrea. She’s very excited. She’s pregnant. I’m afraid my reaction was not what she was expecting. I can’t quantify my reaction as jealousy per se, at least not a jealousy of her having a baby with her husband, that would be ridiculous, I’ve barely known her a month. More a regret that I’m not likely to ever have the pleasure of watching her counterpart in my life develop like her husband will see her. Because I’m an idiot. I don’t think she knew what to make of my reaction. I’m sure she’s thought all along I was some sort of nut case. But she’s been very kind and patient with me; I felt she deserved to understand why I’ve been drawn to her. I explained as much as I could. I’ve never used those words to describe my feelings about Vala before. Even to myself, let alone out loud to someone else. But being here without her and not being able to bear even vaguely contemplating what’s become of her I can’t lie to myself anymore. I wish I could take this awareness with me when we fix the timeline, but I know when everything is back to the way it’s supposed to be I’ll still be my stubborn, terrified self.

**+3 months, 10 days.**  Took a walk through Central Park today. Not just getting there and plunking myself onto a bench, but an actual walk. Feeling closer to my old self. Finally. Getting rid of those damn crutches has helped. Still have to be careful, my balance is still off. It’s rained for the last two days and the sidewalks are slick, I need to get one of those griper thingies for my cane so I don’t end up on my ass. Also realized how far into the fall it is. The rainstorm has taken a lot of leaves off the trees. It’ll be winter soon. I won’t be able to spend my time outside in the Park. I need to find something to fill up my time when I’ll be stuck inside so I don’t go stir crazy. I suppose I’ll have to contact my government ‘handler’. Wonder if I’d be allowed to see Mitchell and Sam since it’ll soon be Christmas. Seeing the guys at Christmas…yeah that’d be good.

**+4 months, 6 days.**  “Tempus fugit” Too bad I’m not having fun. Been stuck inside for the last two days. Freezing rain and sleet. November in New York is as pleasant in this timeline as it is in mine apparently. Not really that unhappy about being inside, the damp cold is making my leg ache; I’m just bored and restless. On the bright side I won’t have to put up with boredom much longer. My request to be allowed to do translation work has been okayed. Small mercies. ‘Handler’ has even agreed to help me find assignments. Bought a laptop and a portable desk so I can work from my bed. I find myself spending a lot of time there, by the end of the day if I’ve been out and moving around for a long time I’m tired and achy. But if I’m going to be spending most of the winter inside I also need to find a gym to keep myself in as close to top form as possible. ‘Contact’ hasn’t been able to tell me one way or the other about my request to see Sam and Cameron. I can be patient. Christmas is still a month away.

**\+ 5 months, 23 days.**  Saw Dr. Taylor today for what, I hope, is the last time. Not that I have anything against him…he’s been a caring and competent doctor for my current situation, but I don’t want this timeline to still exist 4 months from now when he wants to see me again. Andrea is well. She is just starting to show and is actually glowing. The only thing resembling a Christmas present I have been able to bring myself to buy was a toy giraffe for her baby. Now it’s killing me that if we succeed in correcting this timeline she and her baby will cease to exist. Can’t help but wonder if that was part of the gov’t purpose in putting the three of us into separate lives…force us to mesh with the people of this time so if the opportunity arises for us to change things back we won’t be able to bring ourselves to. Who am I kidding? My own government has very little interest in the actual well-being of their own people, why would this government be any different. I doubt they’ve thought about anything other than keeping us around to use our knowledge and expertise to their advantage. There still hasn’t been any response about Sam, Cam and I seeing each other during Christmas. Christmas. Alone. Sounds familiar. The one bright spot is that I have a contract that starts in the New Year to do translation work for a publishing house. Finally something productive to do. Andrea invited me to her New Year’s Eve party. Said her twin sister was coming to visit…her name is Valerie. Yeah. The universe is laughing at me.

**+6 months, 14 days.**   **Assholes!** How could allowing three friends, without access to any technology, see each after 6 months POSSIBLY be a threat to national security. Why am I not surprised? The IOA would react with the same level of paranoia. Should have known it wouldn’t be allowed when I didn’t get an immediate response like I did to the request to be allowed to work. Speaking of which, that hasn’t turned out the way I expected either. The publishing house my gov’t contact helped me to secure a contract with specializes in…of course…trashy romance novels. I never figured I’d be allowed to do work on government documents, but I did think my skills would afford me something of substance. Instead I have two novel-length romances to translate into Russian. The great irony is that I’m sure I’ve seen the hard-cover English version of one of them in my office. Next week is Sam’s birthday.

**+7 months.**  I hate winter and I really hate winter in New York. Never thought I’d miss Colorado winters. At least the snow in the ‘Springs stays clean for awhile. Snow in New York instantly turns to gray slush. Which goes well with the gray skies. The damp cold makes my leg and hip ache too. Slipped on small patch of ice the other day coming back from the gym. Landed on my ass despite the griper on my cane. Fortunately no broken bones, just bruised ego mostly.

**+7 months, 1 wk.**  Bad night. Been awake since 3. Wrenched my back when I fell last week. Now every time I take a step the pressure between what’s left of my knee and the cup of the prosthetic sends shooting pains up my back. Thank God for Vicodin. Although I know I’m taking it too readily. It’s getting too easy to give into the temptation to numb my leg and my brain. Could be why I’m struggling to get this damn romance manuscript finished. I hadda redo the same chapter three times last night. Probably accounts for the dream that woke me at 3. Don’t remember much beyond a dark-haired woman fondling me, then her eyes glowed and I woke up in a cold sweat with a raging boner. At least the pain shooting up through my left thigh when I tried to get out of bed solved that. Forced myself to not take another pill ‘til dawn…just to prove to myself that I could get through a few hours without one. Saw the sun at dawn for a little while, but it’s overcast again. As it has been perpetually for the last two weeks. Matches my mood. I can feel myself falling deeper and deeper into depression the longer this farce goes on. I want this done! I want my life back…my friends…my wife…God, I haven’t missed Sha’re like this in a long time. Can’t help hoping if she and Abydos exist in this timeline that she’s happily mated with all the kids I didn’t give her. She’s bound to be safe since Jack and I aren’t screwing around with the Stargate. Jack! It all happened so fast. How do I grieve the loss of my best friend when this timeline’s version is alive and happy. God! I am so sick of grieving! I seem to have spent my whole fucking life in grief. When does it end? When do I start getting a life that is pain free!

**+8 months, 2 wks.**  I’m back on crutches. The fall I took last month triggered the dependence on Vicodin I’ve been fighting for months. If my gov’t handler hadn’t become concerned when I didn’t meet the deadline for the first translation I probably woulda OD’d. I don’t doubt that his superiors are wishing he wasn’t such a good guy. I’m sure there would’ve been a certain level of relief that one of the wackos claming to be from a different timeline had offed himself. I, on the other hand, am grateful for Tim’s concern, although I don’t recall his arrival at my apartment. I don’t actually recall much after making my last journal entry except the pain from my leg and the exhaustion of the last 8 months finally did me in. Everything I’d been having to cope with since this charade started…hell maybe even everything I’ve been trying to cope with for the last ten years fell in on me. I let myself give into despair and being so completely alone. At that point I gave up fighting and started popping the Vicodin, even if my leg wasn’t in pain, the entire rest of me was and I didn’t have the strength to cope with it any longer. I do recall moments of reminding myself that I would be useless to Sam and Mitchell when the time came if I was messed up on Vicodin. Then I think those moments became hallucinations of the rest of the team telling me off for letting them down. I don’t remember anything after that until my brain started to clear last week. I’ve been in a rehab centre for the last three weeks gradually being weaned off the Vicodin. Dr. Taylor has taken away my prosthetic until my back problem has been resolved…soooo, I’m back on crutches. I’m okay with that for now…I just thankful to be alive and home.

Home. Not. This isn’t home!

Home is where I work in a top secret military facility. Home is where one of my best friends is not from Earth. Home is where I’m hopelessly in love with a captivating, sexy, confusing, and completely aggravating woman from another planet. There I’ve said it. Made it reality by writing it down in black and white! And of course with my usual impeccable timing I’ve admitted the truth too late…it’s likely that I’ll never see her again. And maybe not any of the others either. Good Danny…let’s just wallow some more shall we…GET A GRIP…NO MORE…time to start moving forward. Time to face the probability that Ba’al’s Great Grand Scheme has failed! Time maybe to start letting myself get involved in this society. I mean who knows, maybe in this timeline I’ll get the whole package right down to the dog and the white picket fence.

**+9 months**

**+10months**

**+11months**

**+12 months.**  I can’t believe I’ve been stuck in this fucking charade for **A WHOLE YEAR.**

**+12 months, 1 week.**    Odd kind of day. I woke up this morning feeling the best I have since being dumped into this travesty. I think if Ba’al arrived today I might actually be useful to Sam and Mitchell. My mobility is almost normal. I’m walking with almost no pain now. The strongest thing I’ve taken lately has been something like Advil for a headache. Took a walk around the neighbourhood. Really gorgeous day. Ducked into a bookstore I hadn’t noticed before. God, I love bookstores. Came across a book with my name on it.


End file.
